Usually, when I write an editorial bit (in addition to my reviews), it pertains to some anecdote on popular culture or the media. Personal and random stuff is often pushed into the occasional “ramblings” post. That said, there’s been something on my chest I’ve been wanting to get off for a while, in addition to some other things. First off, I’ve been in denial for the longest time that I’m depressed. Coping with depression, let alone admitting to having it, is never easy. It’s a long and arduous journey rife with pain and suffering. Frustration and indifference only breeds more of the same in a relentless cycle. Crudely put, it sucks.
I’ve been trying to convince myself that diving deep into all sorts of interesting projects (including this one) will cause it to go away. You don’t need a degree in psychology to know it’s not that simple. Also, admitting this wasn’t simple either. We live in a world that’s afraid to admit when a problem is at hand, let alone finding solutions for those problems. At the very least, I’m making an effort to acknowledge what has plagued me for so long. And lemme tell you, boldly stepping up to an open space and comfortably admitting something is wrong with you takes a lot. The same me in the past year or two wouldn’t do that. Granted, I didn’t want to seek solutions or help, just stew in misery. To an extent, I had almost found familiarity in despair. I don’t know what did it, but my recent mental meltdown convinced me I needed to find help, change things up a little, and think of a plan that will lead to slow but sure improvements for me. A lot of it won’t work, but it helps move things a little bit towards the right direction in one way or another. After being so long without hope or motivation, I’ve started to push myself (with tons of assistance from the people around me) to do something about it. And just like admitting it, that’s no easy feat either. Trying to find ways to combat depression is more agonizing and taxing than the depression itself at times. In the end, tracking every little bit of progress is worth it, especially when you reflect on how far you’ve come. Now, I doubt I’ll totally be out of the thick of it, but I’m thankful to say that I’m not in the same state I was back in my public school days or even last year for that matter. And realizing that, it’s a little comforting; helping me cope with new challenges a little better on the endless road to recovery. While perfection is a farce and a fantasy, the motivation to improve has always spurred progress on little by little, as making small steps matters a lot when it builds up over time. And ya know what? Everyone goes at their own pace too. Who cares if your progress isn’t as fast as someone else. You know you best, you know what speed works best for you. Rushing too fast can be more harmful than helpful, after all.
What I’m trying to say is that it affects many of us; and to any reading suffering with it, you’re never alone. Plans and strategies work differently for different people, but there’s certain to be something out there that helps. One must never stop looking, even if others help them look. The battle is great and it takes its toll, but the war can always be won. Stuff like hope and faith seem like bullshit when you’re depressed, but it’s really all you have. Now sure, this post may seem a little less coherent and structured as some of my others, but this was a raw post written from personal reflection, emotion, and what have you. And, I know this might read like a load of gibberish to some readers, but I’m hoping this provides some level of inspiration and hope to various readers out there.